Schizophrenia Jokes (Also It's Not Multiple Personality Disorder)

Let me preface this post with this warning: My life sucks nowadays. I wake up in the morning thinking "oh God not another new day". I go to sleep thinking "Yay, six whole hours of no one screwing with me". But I put on a happy face for my patients and a snarky face for my Twitter followers. Which leaves this blog as pretty much the only place I can really be myself. And today's one of those days when the whole weight of how much my life sucks is really pounding me in the face. 

So the last thing I need today is to see ONE smartass comment that totally pushes me over. To put it in context, here's the joke on my post I Haz A New Banner (Part Two) (in the italics under the photo):

Yes, I made a schizophrenia joke. Yes, it's a bad one. And YES, I FREAKING KNOW THAT SCHIZOPHRENIA IS NOT THE SAME AS MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, OKAY? But it's a longstanding common misperception that it is, and in everyday humour, the two are taken to be the same. THIS IS NOT JUST ME; check out these jokes:

I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there!

If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?

I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.

Paranoid schizophrenic: Are you staring at us?

(all from Joke Buddha: Schizophrenic Jokes)

Hell, one blogger even started a collection of schizophrenic jokes. Here's a sample:

I've half a mind to go to that meeting on schizophrenia tonight.
 
Did you hear about the panto that was held in aid of the Schizophrenia Association? It descended into chaos when someone shouted "He's behind you!"

When is a man two men? When he is beside himself.
 
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

So schizophrenia has always been portrayed as multiple personality disorder in the mass media, even though every medical student in diapers knows that's not the case. And I certainly am not above cracking the same jokes to make people smile.

Then this high-and-mighty Lord Psychiatrist dude comes and puts this comment on my above post:

Psychiatrist said...

As a supposed Cambridge Medical Graduate you should know better than thinking schizophrenia refers to split personalities that talk to one another.

Schizophrenia translates as "splintered mind" which unfortunately has meant that the whole world believes that it refers to people with multiple personalities. A more accurate interpretation of the nomenclature would be that individuals are splintered from reality, with manifestations of psychosis, delusional thought, neologisms, thought withdrawal/insertion/broadcasting and passivity. They do often get auditory hallucinations, sometimes even coming from a part of their body, but schizophrenics never believe that those voices are another personality within them.

Oh man. Oh MAN.

I realise I may have overreacted, but like I said, I'm having a very bad day. Just like everybody else. So this was my reply:

The Angry Medic 

Psychiatrist: Bitch please. I have a MA from Cambridge in Experimental Psychology. My Psych supervisor was Professor Simon Baron-Cohen, BAFTA-nominated father of modern autism and cousin to actor Sacha Baron-Cohen, and he described my dissertation on 'The Magnocellular Theory of Autism and Dyslexia' as "excellent". I could reel off the Schneiderian first-rank symptoms like a well-oiled engine after my first week of psych. So YES, I THINK I KNOW WHAT SCHIZOPHRENIA FREAKING IS.

However, as a supposed psychiatrist YOU should know that it is a common misconception that schizophrenia and MPD are the same thing, and jokes to that effect are so common they have become part of popular culture. So if you want to correct me, go shove your judgment up the arse of every single clown out there who has ever made the joke. Start by Googling 'schizophrenia jokes'. The first page itself will give YOU voices in your head.

If you need more proof, here is me correcting Adam Kay of physician musical duo Amateur Transplants on the same mistake over two weeks ago. I regret it now. He must have had the same resignation in his head at being shot down by a fellow physician WHO FREAKING WELL KNOWS that he suffered just as much as I did to pass his finals and he's making the joke for comedy value AND NOTHING ELSE. 

I hate, HATE it when people play the Cambridge card on me. Do you know what most doctors' reactions are when they find out I'm from Cambridge? Do you think they are filled with admiration and fall at my feet? No. Most of them immediately hate me, or think I'm an arrogant twat who thinks I'm God's gift to medicine and descended to Earth in a beam of light from Heaven with a Russian church choir singing freaking Carmina Burana in the background.  

Every time I make a mistake it's Cambridge this, Cambridge that.

"What do you mean, you couldn't take blood from her? Didn't they teach you that at Cambridge?"

"You've never done this procedure before? But I thought you went to Cambridge?"

"You can't handle this surgery by yourself? Are you sure you went to Cambridge?"

So if you think I walk around all day with a massive neon sign above my head saying "LOL I WENT TO CAMBRIDGE LOL" expecting people to fall at my feet and nurses to rip off their clothing at the very sight of me, think again. I never, EVER tell anyone I work with. I just say I went to Imperial College London and leave it at that.

What do you think? Was I too harsh, or am I justified? I've had a bad day.

Heard Around The Hospital

This is part of a series of posts that contain funny things I hear in medicine. You can find the previous posts by clicking here.


Don't Mess with the Pharmacists

Today I took my mother to the hospital pharmacy.

Me: And this is all the medication, is it?

Pharmacist: Yes, make sure she takes it on time.

Me: Oh don't worry, I'm a doctor.

Pharmacist: ...oh God, not another one.

Was it something I said?

Failed Medical Entrance Exam Answers
This has been making the rounds on Facebook. Apparently Mr Bean wanted to become a doctor and took a university entrance exam. The question was "Define the following terms". Here are his answers:

Antibody : A person who hates his body.

Artery : The study of fine paintings.

Bacteria : The back door of cafeteria.

Coma : A punctuation mark.

Labour pain : A workplace accident.

Cardiology : The advanced study of playing cards.

Sounds like he'll make a fine doctor. (Strangely enough, that's the same reaction my lecturers had when talking about my exam answers...)

If you liked this, you can get more laughs round the clock by following me on Twitter @theangrymedic, where I have over 300 followers now. 300 poor souls taking my crap can't be wrong! Also like my Facebook page pretty please with sugar on top.

Twitter Thursday (Okay So It's Not Thursday)

A lot of people who read this blog aren't on Twitter, which means they miss out on the amazing humour and incisive wit that I spread there. (I don't care what you say, toilet jokes are classified as "amazing humour". That and jokes about Justin Bieber's gender. See, I type "Justin Bieber's gender" and I already feel like laughing. HAHAHAHA. Sue me. --Editor) So I thought in addition to my Heard Around The Hospital series on Mondays, I would pick the best tweets throughout the week and compile them here on Thursdays. Then call it Twitter Thursdays (check out that alliteration. Aren't I witty?). Here's a sample of tweets from the past week and before, both others and mine:

Twitter Comedians

Many Twitter users dedicate their accounts to funny tweets and humour. These are often the most popular with thousands of followers, and they work their asses off to come up with new funny stuff every day.

  Selah ‏@aThumper

First u forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up; finally, you forget to pull it down. - George Burns.

  James Moriarty ‏@_JMoriarty

Best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't hygiene, it's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

Spencer Porter @porters
A girl swiftly rubbing your back during a hug is the physical manifestation of the friend zone.

carol to the ann ‏@cazzastrophe
Starting to think that men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do.

Dr Dementia ‏@Doctor_Dementia
I came face to face with a stroke victim last night & we had a massive argument. It was pretty one sided. 

Fun With Hashtags

One of the most popular activities (read: time-wasters to avoid revising/working/talking to your family at dinner) is tweeting the Trends. This is when some topic becomes talked about by so many people that Twitter puts it on its 'Trending' page, and everyone joins in to tweet about that theme. For example, 'RIP Justin Bieber' has been trending for the past two days. I have to change my pants every time I read that.

Trends are usually preceded by a hashtag, as in the examples below:

Sophie Knight @SophieJLS1D
#LiesGirlsTellForAttention *upload facebook picture* ohhh I'm so ugly

#LifesStuff @Vainases
#IfItWasntForTwitter how else could all the beliebers annoy everyone?

Darcy Dick @darcydick
#LessAmbitiousNovels The Girl With The Temporary Tattoo

The Angry Medic @theangrymedic

#LessAmbitiousNovels The Above Average Gatsby

President Snow @President_Snow
#LessAmbitiousNovels The Not So Hungry Games.

My Stupendously Handsome Twitter Profile Pic

I have found a curious trend: people with loads of followers on Twitter sometimes aren't very funny. They're just chicks who take dubiously-angled photos of themselves in tank tops and make them profile pictures, and BAM! A thousand (new) followers. So I decided to do as the Romans do and changed my slightly, uh, scary profile pic to that of another famous Doctor whom I'm totally mistaken for all the time:

An angry Doctor. Geddit? Totally looks like me.

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
My brain exploded. Need a brain transplant. Was told transplant list is 2 years long because all the world's politicians are on it. #fail

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
Variation: Prof: How does the rectum feel? Student: uh, warm? RT @NeesaAmran: #ThingsUShouldntSay during a rectal exam "Aah that feels nice"

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
#ThingsUShouldntAskUrDr "Doc, I got a papercut. I think I have flesh-eating bacteria! I read about it online."

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
I like giving back to society. So if u come in and waste govt resources with trivial injuries, I'll make sure u leave with bigger injuries.

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
My job in a nutshell. RT "@medschooladvice: Patients often get better on their own. Treat them before this happens so you can take credit."

MedSkoolGunner ‏@MedSkoolGunner

On my way to the ER. Just had a seizure after my 11th large coffee refill. And yes, of course I'll be quizzing the doc on seizure meds.

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
@MedSkoolGunner Careful. ER treatment guidelines for 'caffeine seizures' and 'annoying medical student' both include 'backhand to the face'.

If you like what you see, kindly follow me on Twitter and I promise I'll make you laugh. Or gag. Or laugh whilst gagging (not as bad as it sounds. Okay I'm lying). If you definitely positively don't wanna use Twitter, at least like my Facebook page? I'll love you like Beliebers love Justin.

The End Of House M.D.

For my fellow unworthy foreigners not lucky enough to be born in/have crawled through the underdeveloped waste of our respective homelands into the United States of America, I have a piece of bad news.

After 8 seasons, the TV series House M.D. aired its final episode last night.

"As if there aren't already few enough role models with disabilities on TV!"

(For added atmosphere, click here and press the big blue button in the middle of the page. You won't regret it.)

House M.D. has literally lasted me through medical school. I remember watching it in my first few depressed months at Cambridge, after my first girlfriend dumped me to get together with my best friend behind my back (yes, that happened. And you wonder why I'm screwed up in my head! --Editor) and I googled 'angry doctor' to find an angsty profile picture (for Friendster. Yeah, this was, uh, before Facebook existed. DON'T MAKE ANY AGE JOKES --Ed.) and I discovered House. And the rest, as they say, is history (as were my exam grades that term).

I haven't watched the last episode yet, but I will soon. Until then, I'm going to pretend it hasn't ended.

And for those of you who HAVE watched the last episode and are on the floor crying whilst sucking your thumbs in the foetal position, leave some space for me, will ya?

Do justice to the memory of House M.D. and like my Facebook page. Or follow me on Twitter. It's what Dr House would have wanted.

Heard Around The Hospital

This is a weekly series of funny stuff I overhear in medicine. For the previous post, click here.

I'm still busy with stuff I discussed in A Death In The Family, so I'm doing reruns. You may have seen these on Twitter and around teh interwebz, but I bet they'll give you a laugh anyway. See if you can spot where these doctors went wrong:

ACTUAL UNEDITED NOTES WRITTEN BY DOCTORS ON PATIENTS MEDICAL CHARTS

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
 

The patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today; who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

That awkward moment when a patient sees 'SOB' written on his chart and thinks you're insulting him: 

Click this picture for the full comic. 

(Courtesy of PoorMD via Cartoon Guide)

If you've got any that I missed, dump 'em in the comment section below. Have a happy Monday folks!

If you liked this, don't forget to like my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter. I promise to entertain you, and with more than* just toilet jokes!

*"more than" may be subjective

A Death In The Family

Recently there was a death in the family.

It wasn't anyone very close, but close enough that it's been taking up all my time, which is why I haven't put up the stories from the comments on The Question Everyone Should Ask Themselves. I've seen quite a bit of death lately, and it makes me ponder.

Death has an effect on everyone. It reminds you that however young or old you are, however healthy (or fatass unhealthy) and however ridiculously good-looking (like me) you are, we all die. It will all end someday.

As a doctor, death changes you. The first few times, anyway. If you let it affect you, you're protecting your humanity. But if you harden up (as all doctors do eventually) and don't let it affect you, you're protecting your heart.

I still remember vividly the first time I pronounced someone dead. It was an elderly grandmother sitting alone in her hospital bed. The family had all left the previous night, and she died in the early morning. The senior doctor and I walked into the room, and there she was, lying on the bed, perfectly still. I remember wondering what a dead body would look like just before entering her room. It didn't look very different from a sleeping person.

The doctor taught me to listen for the heartbeat for three whole minute, then check for breath sounds, then check for a pulse. Having watched too many horror movies (or Scrubs episodes) I kept expecting her to jump awake at any moment and scare me right out of my pants. But of course, she lay perfectly still. Nothing. She was truly gone.

What is the ultimate lesson of death? We already know. Every day we watch movies that tell us, listen to music that tells us, talk to old family members who tell us. Yet still we never listen. The lesson is - life ends. Yours will end someday too. Maybe even today, maybe tomorrow. So we truly should live with no regrets. We truly should act as if every day was our last. As George W. Bush's pastor in the Oliver Stone film 'W.' tells him - "I want you to treat everybody you meet - your friends, your enemies, EVERYBODY - like they were going to be dead at midnight".

But living like that is hard. We tell ourselves it's human nature to plan for the future. If we truly lived like there was no tomorrow, we'd all be out partying and looting and killing our politicians and I'd be gang-raped by every nurse in the hospital (I'm joking. Partly). So maybe we can compromise. Maybe we can start by being nicer to each other. Because death hangs over all of us.

I'll be back next week. In the meantime, if you have any stories of what death means to you, please share them in the comments.

I Haz A New Banner, Part Thr-- Ah Screw It

Quick post to say that I updated the banner again, with my Facebook page (GO LIKE IT PLEASE, I LIKE YOU LONG TIME) and my Twitter page, as well as my new slogan! That's right, my blog now has a slogan. Why? Because these days all the kids want short simple crap that's easy to read and is preferably not longer than 140 characters and has lots of pictures. I blame Justin Bieber. Yes, I know you saw that coming.

 How do you think I survived med school without revising?

I've finally replied the truly inspiring comments on my Question Everyone Should Ask Themselves post, which I will soon feature in an upcoming post. But there was also a troll in the comments. I get one of these jokers on every other post, it seems. And because I don't want to detract from all the awesomeness in the upcoming post, I'm going to post my reply here instead.

 This is what the troll said:

Anonymous said...

@A Doc 2 Be
''I turned my company in for fraudulent financial reporting' and 'after I settled my lawsuit against them.I was destroyed financially by the company '' - that would be a doing of an idiot. No wonder you have no regrets, coz still nobody caught you reg. your alleged fraudulent activity.

@The Mildly Irritated Medic
'I can still make myself believe that I can make this work, yet I know that I need to find out quickly if that faith is misplaced.' HA HA HA, gotcha.

'And what would you say to a medic who has lost his way, but not his hope?' I'd say, HA HA HA, gotcha.

9:30 PM

And this is what I replied: 

 

The Angry Medic said...

Anonymous Keyboard Warrior: WOOP WOOP! DOUCHEBAG ALERT! Who invited the Anonymous Arsehole Squad? I bet you're their famous leader, Captain A.N. Al Penetration! Known for fearlessly leading the digital charge (into rectums. Digital Rectal Exam. AHAHA SEEWHATIDIDTHAR?) from safely behind his computer screen whilst chugging his Big Macs with one hand and washing it down with his momma's breast milk with the other!

Does it feel good trolling other people courageous enough to post their stories? Does it make you feel less of a loser sitting at home in your hot neighbour's stolen panties and your five-day stubble? At least you're not yanking off to your dad's vintage porn collection anymore, are ya? Isn't your mom proud of you?

Speaking of your mom, why don't you get back to sucking her teat, she's complaining her nipples are dry. Get off my blog. Don't forget to shove your head back into your ass on your way out, your 'roids are getting lonely.

11:38 AM

This blog is called The ANGRY Medic, not The Mildly Irritated Medic or The Slightly Grumpy Medic Who's Actually A Pretty Nice Fellow. TROLLS WILL BE TROLLED RIGHT BACK - I will shove my head so far up your ass, we'll be chewing the same piece of gum. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Cough. Now that that's out of the way, what do you think of the blog's new slogan? Dumb enough for the Beliebers?

Heard Around The Hospital

Holy facepalm, Batman!

I'm really busy over the next couple of days doing important work for a wedding (and by important work I mean I got tricked into helping put up the decorations --Editor) so I'm going to do what I do best and throw bad jokes at you instead.

Every week I'll post up some of the funny shit I hear around the hospital and med school in a Heard Around The Hospital post.

When I got into Cambridge, I made an open application and was selected by Jesus College. With medical students being famous as they are for making bad jokes, this means I would hear all sorts of crappy punchlines: 

"You have a friend in Jesus." 

"Jesus chose me!" -- from a student who got pooled into Jesus College 

"Jesus is coming, look busy!" -- from rowers when they saw the Jesus College rowing team down the river

And my personal favourite, after 1pm lectures, this guy would stand up and loudly proclaim, "Friends, let us return to Jesus - for lunch."

Holy crap, indeed.

Have you got any bad jokes about university names? Please don't leave more bad Jesus jokes, I already have enough bad humour on Twitter every day with Beliebers telling me Justin Bieber produces real music. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ah dammit. Someday I'll learn to say that without falling off my chair laughing. --Ed.)

Also, about the Premier League matches, I just want to say - the tweet below left me in stitches. I leave it with you.

Don't hate me, Man United fans. Ah what the heck, you guys already hate me anyway.

Post inspired by Dr Grumpy, my favourite blogger who doesn't love me back. Sniff WHINE WHINE okay jeez I sound like my ex-girlfriend.

I Haz A New Banner, Part Two

Not to distract from the really inspiring discussion going on in my last post, but after some useful feedback* on my last blog banner, I've put up a new one.

Yes, the banner on the right is an actual photo, whereas the left is Photoshopped.
And yes, I actually posted a picture of my two banners talking to each other.

What's that you ask? Am I sure I'm not schizophrenic? 

I used to be, but we're all right now.

I'm no Photoshop expert though, and whilst I thought the plastic wrap effect in my last banner was okay, a lot of people found it annoying. 

What do you think?

*feedback ranged from "whoa dude loving the new banner" to "sorry this is so late, just finished throwing up. seriously, who taught u to Photoshop? Ur blind grandmother?"

The Question Everyone Should Ask Themselves, Part Two

If you haven't read Part One of this post, I strongly recommend you do before reading this.

In my last post, I promised to ask you a question that everyone should ask themselves before they die. I know I joke about kids reading my blog, but the truth is I don't have many young readers (well, besides the Beliebers who occasionally send me hate mail for my Justin Bieber memes). Most people who come here have graduated or are studying for a degree.

I bet you've worked hard to get here you are now. I want you, for a moment, to think about that journey. To remember your hardest, darkest hours, as well as your greatest triumphs. I want you to recall some of the faces you remember from those times. To feel the pain, the sweat, and the joy that all those moments brought you.

Now. Considering all you've endured to be where you are today. I want you to look back on it all and ask yourself -

Was it worth it?

Did you end up exactly how you thought you would end up, all those years ago? Are you doing what you imagined you'd be doing?

Do you love what you do?

One of my drama directors back in Cambridge asked us this once. He said at the end of every play, he'd ask his cast and crew this question. And his goal as a director was to make their experience so enjoyable that they answered yes.

Let's face it - I didn't want to be a doctor. If I could go back in time, before I went to med school, and do something different, I would. Because I may be a good doctor now. But I could have been a great something else.

But I lacked the courage to chase my dreams. In my second year, a friend of mine from another college failed many papers. When he went to see his Director of Studies to arrange resits, his DoS told him frankly, "I've seen this pattern of results before. It usually means that deep down inside, you don't really want to do medicine." My friend took his advice, and left medical school. He is now earning a six-figure salary at a law firm in London, and wakes up every day knowing he loves what he does.

I envy him.

But like Darth Vader said to Luke, "It is too late for me, son." But not for you. You can still change your life. So ask yourself today, "Was it worth it?"

I sincerely hope the answer is yes.

The Question Everyone Should Ask Themselves, Part One

I was going to put up a post with a bunch of stuff that made me laugh in the past few days. But some very serious issues have been eating at me for a while now, demanding to be written down. I can't ignore them much longer.

I don't care who you are or what you do for a living. I want you to answer a question. A question that everyone should ask themselves at some point in life.

First, if you can, watch this video. It shows CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr Sanjay Gupta, a successful broadcaster and brain surgeon, giving the commencement address to the graduating class of the University of Michigan last week. He's funny, he's engaging, but he has some very important life lessons to teach.

It's 20 minutes long, but it may change your life.

 

 Notice how he breaks every lesson down. Write them down. Remember them. This man got a standing ovation from 40,000 people that day.

Now I want you to come back tomorrow, whether you watched it or not. Because I will ask you a very important question. A question every person in this world should ask themselves before they die.

I Haz A New Banner

So I finally got off my butt and made a new blog banner to replace my 6-year-old crappy-ass one. This one accurately reflects that I am no longer in Cambridge, and moved to London and Southeast Asia, so maybe all those butthurt people who send me hate mail asking why my blog banner is so misleading will shut up now.

But I honestly can't tell whether it's good or not. So what do you think?

Is the new banner good? Bad? Ugly? Does it make you want to throw up, rip your hair out, put Justin Bieber's 'Boyfriend' on maximum volume on your radio and go into mass hysteria?

Let me know!

Time Travelling Online With The British Library

So there I was, innocently minding my own business, staring at my blog visitor stats more obsessively than Rupert Murdoch stares at his profit margins (WAHEY topical humour! Who says reading this blog doesn't keep you up-to-date with news? Wait don't answer that. --Editor) when I realise that one of my most popular posts, The Cambridge Interviewer Interviewed, hasn't been updated for a long time. I open it up and start editing it--

- when I accidentally delete the whole thing.

Then when I fumble for the 'Revert to Draft' button which will save my ass, I accidentally click the 'Save' button instead.

I just lost one of my most popular early posts that still gets hits every day from students applying to Cambridge University.

Thankfully, I didn't stay curled up on the floor in the fetal position sucking my thumb and crying for my mommy for long. I got onto Google and searched - and found that my blog had been archived by the British Library's Web Archive and perfectly preserved online.

What does this mean?

For me - it means I found my post, copied and pasted it back. (Wow. This means I basically went back in time and stole a post from my past self. Damn. If only I could go back in time and tell my past self to stop shaving his head and apply Rogaine every day religiously, maybe I'd have some hair now eh? AHAHA kidding! Bald is sexy. You hear that ladies? SEXAY. --Ed.)

For you - it means that long after you and I are dead, your grandkids will STILL be reading my crap! BWAHAHAHA. So remember - when they're born, buy them new clothes, milk bottles, and antipsychotic pills. They'll need it.

Seriously though, if you want to see what the Internet was like a few years ago, go visit the UK Web Archive and spend a few hours travelling back in time. (No they don't do porn. Sorry bros. I checked. *Bro fist* --Ed.)

Chelsea Wins The FA Cup (And I Almost Get Slapped Because Of It)

I've talked before about how I became a Chelsea fan, and about how it is generally a very painful experience. Just today one friend told me "you must be used to pain; you're a Chelsea fan" (well yes I am a masochist - I am after all a doctor --Editor) and I was so scared of the humiliation that would follow the FA Cup final that I didn't even watch it. (Okay, I was actually at a wedding, and was following the match so intently on my phone that my mom threatened to slap me and chuck my phone into the giant bowl of fruit juice unless I went and talked to one of the many many beautiful women eyeing me. Oh wait, my mom reads this. Hi mom! You look beautiful today! --Ed.)

Then I woke up to the beautiful, beautiful news that Chelsea had actually won. The first thing I did was type out my Facebook status:

I woke up this morning - AND I SAW A MASSIVE FUCKING BLUE FLAG, FLYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY. (and no I'm not talking about morning wood, perverts). WOOHOO CONGRATS CHELSEA!

Mental images of my huge penis aside, being a Chelsea fan IS indeed a painful experience. But sometimes - just sometimes - Chelsea make it totally worth it, and I can hold my head high. Just like the blue flag is flying today.  

Congratulations, Chelsea FC.

How Different Specialities React

I'm busy this weekend, so I thought I'd leave this for my faithful ardent readers (all three of you. Three and a half if my neighbour brings his dog, who doesn't really read but will at least stare at the screen if you scratch his butt --Editor) to giggle over. This is a clever bit of wordplay on how different medical specialities react to changes.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldnt hear of it. The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.

Found via Dr Zorro's blog. Now don't cry, dear readers, I'll be back again real soon. I know loads and loads of you wait with anticipation every day just to see what else I've writte--

Dammit.

If you liked/close to liked/maybe smiled a little at this post, consider liking my Facebook page. You know Justin Bieber fanpages on Facebook who have more likes than me. Is that fair? Ask yourself honestly. The truth is out there*.

(*the truth is you should like my Facebook page)

When Doctors Troll

(Note: This post was published originally in 2007, but was taken down at the request of the doctor mentioned, as he's become quite well-known. All names have been changed to protect privacy.)

When I was a baby medic*, we were given a talk by Dr Noob, the author of a now-popular textbook, who gave us a grave warning about why you should never accept chocolate from a doctor.

On Dr Noob's first day at a new hospital, a senior doctor walked up and shook his hand. "Hey, I'm Dr M. Welcome to Freakshow General Hospital**," he grinned, and gave Dr Noob a Cadbury Creme Egg. "It's always been a tradition here to give the new doctor one of these. For good luck. Eat up, and if you have any questions, I'd be happy to help."

"Wow, thanks, that's really nice of you." Dr Noob popped the egg into his mouth and picked up a patient's chart. "Actually I do have a question; see this--"

But Dr M cut him off. "Actually Doctor, I'd like you to check the medication I've just administered, ."

Dr Noob looked at him. There were no patients around to give medication to. Then Dr M grinned evilly.

"Oh, didn't I say? It's also always been the tradition that the chocolate egg given to the new guy is injected with furosemide." (Furosemide is a water tablet that makes you pee. If you STILL have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a clue. --Ed.)

Dr M patted Dr Noob on the shoulder. "If I were you, I'd stay close to the toilet today, old chap. Wet pants flop a lot when you walk. Cheers!" And off he went. And you can imagine what the rest of the day was for poor old Dr Noob. 

And so a rivalry started between the two young doctors. But after a few weeks, they became friends, and two months after the whole incident, Dr Noob told Dr M, "You know, we've become friends now. Let bygones be bygones. Here, have a Cadbury Egg. As a token of peace." Dr M was suspicious, but Dr Noob said he'd take one too. So they both ate one.

Then Dr Noob stood back, grinned insanely, and said, "And now, Doctor, I'd like YOU to check the medication I've just administered."

Dr M's eyes widened. "Oh no you didn't."

Dr Noob stared at him for a moment, then smiled. "Heh. Nah, I didn't."

Dr M sighed with relief. "For a moment there, Noob, I tho--"

"I injected castor oil instead." (Castor oil is a laxative. It makes you shoot more shit out of your ass than Mitt Romney shoots out of his mouth. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here. --Ed.)

Dr M froze.

Dr Noob slapped him on the back and said, "If I were you, I'd stay close to the toilet today, old chap. Pity that scrub pants don't come in brown colour." And off he went.

And you thought doctors only stayed crazy whilst they were still in university...

*yes, I was young once. DON'T MAKE A HAIR JOKE. If you make a hair joke I will track you down, break into your house and stuff a wig made from Britney Spears' shaven hairs into an orifice of my choice. Then I'll plead 'temporary insanity' to the judge. This blog is all the proof I need that I'm batshit insane anyway.

**hospital name changed to protect privacy. Hospitals have feelings too, you know.

My Reaction To Being Published In The Guardian

In case you've somehow managed to avoid my relentless spamming and self-promotion through three different social networks (four if you count GoodLooksBook, the social network reserved exclusively for extremely good-looking people*. Though its membership is small. But ridiculously beautiful --Editor) an article I wrote was published in the online version of The Guardian, the UK national newspaper. I first learnt when I noticed that quite a few visitors were arriving from my Guardian profile page. At first I was happy as a London tube driver on strike.

Then I realised. People who read The Guardian are coming.

Here. To my blog.

My first Facebook status update when I learnt was

ohgodohgodohgod people who visit my blog from the Guardian article are intelligent, aren't they? They're going to expect incisive political commentary on the state of the NHS, aren't they? Instead they're going to get a meme about fucking Justin Bieber. Hoo boy.

 Yep. The intelligent sorts that inhabit the Guardian's comment sections are probably even now throwing up/going into mass hysteria/calling my parents and scolding them for daring to bring such an abomination into the world. But wait! I swear it's not all poop jokes and memes here! I do honest intellectual posts sometimes** too! And I promise a few more will be coming soon.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy your stay. And if you don't, I find paracetamol usually helps.

*If you actually believed such a site existed and clicked on the link, please email me. I have a lovely discount on the Brooklyn Bridge. No really. Oh, I'm also secretly Barack Obama. Why else do you think my blog updates are so slow?

**The definition of "sometimes" is subjective and may differ from person to perso-- ah fuck it, I LIKE POOP JOKES AND MEMES, OKAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.

If you like what you see, please consider liking my Facebook page. Oh come on, you like Facebook pages with nothing but hot chicks posting "OH I'M SO BORED" on their statuses. You can like mine too. I'll make goo-goo eyes at you.

My Guardian Article: Medical Student Nudity in French Hospitals

(Oh I bet that title got your attention, didn't it? In fact, you may even have gotten here by Googling something perverted. In which case, make sure you're using Private Browsing Mode  um GET AWAY FROM ME, SICKO. Cough. --Editor)

Today my article was published in The Guardian Online's Comment Is Free section. It's a piece on a really strange tradition in French hospitals, where giant murals depicting the current medical students (interns) having sex with their doctors, professors and other hospital staff are drawn on the walls of the students' break rooms. Think that's weird? Get this - these drawings are commissioned by the students themselves.

Yep. Take your time picking your jaw off the floor.

And you guys thought I never wrote anything respectable. LOVE ME NOW, MOM?!

Anyway, people coming over from the Guardian site have no idea who I am and are probably fast getting nauseous, so a quick introduction:

Hello, I am The Angry Medic, a doctor who writes on medical issues in a humorous fashion (more accurately: what I think is humorous, but what my readers would probably generously describe as vomit-inducing --Ed.) Before you run off, here's a sample of some of my more popular posts:

Emergency at 35, 000 Feet: An account of how I helped resuscitate an elderly lady on a long-haul flight out of Heathrow - and got slapped by her for my trouble

Inflight Emergencies: A valuable tip on what to drink if you feel nauseous (not water!) shared by the senior doctor in the post above

The Cambridge Interviewer Interviewed: After I enrolled at Cambridge University, I met my interviewer, who shed some light on the interview process and getting into Cambridge

Some Wounds Never Heal:  An award-winning post about how one patient wishes he didn't survive his recent surgery, and why

Doctors vs Nurses: Medicine's Oldest Battle: The original post that shot me to fame by being featured on the front page of the then-popular NHS Blog Doctor site. A nurse blogger had ranted against doctors and the online backlash was spectacular

The Last Valentine: A somber lesson shared by a grieving patient on Valentine's Day, dedicated to those who have lost a Valentine

 I also used to write for WedMD.com's medical student blog The Differential. Some popular posts from there attracting over 80 comments:

Why Do Surgeons Have Such Big Egos?:  A group of medical students observe that surgeons behave far more arrogantly than other doctors in the hospital. Big surprise

A Moment of Truth For Every New Doctor: An account of that first moment when someone needs urgent medical attention, and you're the only medical person there - and what makes you hesitate

Is Medicine Really My Passion?: An examination of why doctors become doctors, and whether they really love their job (for the right reasons)

If my writing hasn't yet made you throw up/bleed out of your ears/call for an ambulance, I hope you stick around and come back from time to time. You can also like my team's Facebook page, or follow us on Twitter. Just please don't send me hate mail saying what a terrible writer I am - I already get loads of that. (What, you actually thought I get real fan mail? Suckers. --Ed.)