I'll Be Right Back (Again)

Yes folks, your prayers are answered! I AM NOT DEAD! (What's that you say? That's not what you prayed for? Well then if you DID think I was dead, why are you in the middle of celebrati-- *gets it* OHHHHH. Shaddap. --Editor)

Posts have been slow here, because I'm in the middle of preparing for a really big interview really soon. but I've queued up posts on my Facebook and Twitter feeds for the next 2 days. Some of my new material is actually funny (shocking right. --Ed.) and has gotten me more than the 2 likes I make my mom and my best friend put on all my posts! (Only kidding. My mom doesn't have Facebook. --Ed.)

So! For your usual dose of seizure-inducing Angry Medic humour, do go to my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter at @theangrymedic - I'm fast approaching 500 followers, and I promise I'll make you laugh. No really. Look at the jokes I came up with recently all by myself:

(Okay so I lied, I didn't come up with all that myself. I had a couple of extremely irritating patients who helped me out. --Ed.)

Have a couple of thought-provoking posts lined up so stick around. I'll be back Thursday - try not to miss me! (Oh who am I kidding, nobody misses me except my dog. And then only because she won't get her favourite dog biscuits without me around. She's such an ungrateful bitch. AHAHA see what I did there? Yes? No? Hi mom! --Editor)

Twitter Thursday (Okay So It's Not Thursday)

A lot of people who read this blog aren't on Twitter, which means they miss out on the amazing humour and incisive wit that I spread there. (I don't care what you say, toilet jokes are classified as "amazing humour". That and jokes about Justin Bieber's gender. See, I type "Justin Bieber's gender" and I already feel like laughing. HAHAHAHA. Sue me. --Editor) So I thought in addition to my Heard Around The Hospital series on Mondays, I would pick the best tweets throughout the week and compile them here on Thursdays. Then call it Twitter Thursdays (check out that alliteration. Aren't I witty?). Here's a sample of tweets from the past week and before, both others and mine:

Twitter Comedians

Many Twitter users dedicate their accounts to funny tweets and humour. These are often the most popular with thousands of followers, and they work their asses off to come up with new funny stuff every day.

  Selah ‏@aThumper

First u forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up; finally, you forget to pull it down. - George Burns.

  James Moriarty ‏@_JMoriarty

Best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't hygiene, it's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

Spencer Porter @porters
A girl swiftly rubbing your back during a hug is the physical manifestation of the friend zone.

carol to the ann ‏@cazzastrophe
Starting to think that men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do.

Dr Dementia ‏@Doctor_Dementia
I came face to face with a stroke victim last night & we had a massive argument. It was pretty one sided. 

Fun With Hashtags

One of the most popular activities (read: time-wasters to avoid revising/working/talking to your family at dinner) is tweeting the Trends. This is when some topic becomes talked about by so many people that Twitter puts it on its 'Trending' page, and everyone joins in to tweet about that theme. For example, 'RIP Justin Bieber' has been trending for the past two days. I have to change my pants every time I read that.

Trends are usually preceded by a hashtag, as in the examples below:

Sophie Knight @SophieJLS1D
#LiesGirlsTellForAttention *upload facebook picture* ohhh I'm so ugly

#LifesStuff @Vainases
#IfItWasntForTwitter how else could all the beliebers annoy everyone?

Darcy Dick @darcydick
#LessAmbitiousNovels The Girl With The Temporary Tattoo

The Angry Medic @theangrymedic

#LessAmbitiousNovels The Above Average Gatsby

President Snow @President_Snow
#LessAmbitiousNovels The Not So Hungry Games.

My Stupendously Handsome Twitter Profile Pic

I have found a curious trend: people with loads of followers on Twitter sometimes aren't very funny. They're just chicks who take dubiously-angled photos of themselves in tank tops and make them profile pictures, and BAM! A thousand (new) followers. So I decided to do as the Romans do and changed my slightly, uh, scary profile pic to that of another famous Doctor whom I'm totally mistaken for all the time:

An angry Doctor. Geddit? Totally looks like me.

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
My brain exploded. Need a brain transplant. Was told transplant list is 2 years long because all the world's politicians are on it. #fail

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
Variation: Prof: How does the rectum feel? Student: uh, warm? RT @NeesaAmran: #ThingsUShouldntSay during a rectal exam "Aah that feels nice"

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
#ThingsUShouldntAskUrDr "Doc, I got a papercut. I think I have flesh-eating bacteria! I read about it online."

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
I like giving back to society. So if u come in and waste govt resources with trivial injuries, I'll make sure u leave with bigger injuries.

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
My job in a nutshell. RT "@medschooladvice: Patients often get better on their own. Treat them before this happens so you can take credit."

MedSkoolGunner ‏@MedSkoolGunner

On my way to the ER. Just had a seizure after my 11th large coffee refill. And yes, of course I'll be quizzing the doc on seizure meds.

The Angry Doctor ‏@theangrymedic
@MedSkoolGunner Careful. ER treatment guidelines for 'caffeine seizures' and 'annoying medical student' both include 'backhand to the face'.

If you like what you see, kindly follow me on Twitter and I promise I'll make you laugh. Or gag. Or laugh whilst gagging (not as bad as it sounds. Okay I'm lying). If you definitely positively don't wanna use Twitter, at least like my Facebook page? I'll love you like Beliebers love Justin.

I Haz A New Banner, Part Thr-- Ah Screw It

Quick post to say that I updated the banner again, with my Facebook page (GO LIKE IT PLEASE, I LIKE YOU LONG TIME) and my Twitter page, as well as my new slogan! That's right, my blog now has a slogan. Why? Because these days all the kids want short simple crap that's easy to read and is preferably not longer than 140 characters and has lots of pictures. I blame Justin Bieber. Yes, I know you saw that coming.

 How do you think I survived med school without revising?

I've finally replied the truly inspiring comments on my Question Everyone Should Ask Themselves post, which I will soon feature in an upcoming post. But there was also a troll in the comments. I get one of these jokers on every other post, it seems. And because I don't want to detract from all the awesomeness in the upcoming post, I'm going to post my reply here instead.

 This is what the troll said:

Anonymous said...

@A Doc 2 Be
''I turned my company in for fraudulent financial reporting' and 'after I settled my lawsuit against them.I was destroyed financially by the company '' - that would be a doing of an idiot. No wonder you have no regrets, coz still nobody caught you reg. your alleged fraudulent activity.

@The Mildly Irritated Medic
'I can still make myself believe that I can make this work, yet I know that I need to find out quickly if that faith is misplaced.' HA HA HA, gotcha.

'And what would you say to a medic who has lost his way, but not his hope?' I'd say, HA HA HA, gotcha.

9:30 PM

And this is what I replied: 

 

The Angry Medic said...

Anonymous Keyboard Warrior: WOOP WOOP! DOUCHEBAG ALERT! Who invited the Anonymous Arsehole Squad? I bet you're their famous leader, Captain A.N. Al Penetration! Known for fearlessly leading the digital charge (into rectums. Digital Rectal Exam. AHAHA SEEWHATIDIDTHAR?) from safely behind his computer screen whilst chugging his Big Macs with one hand and washing it down with his momma's breast milk with the other!

Does it feel good trolling other people courageous enough to post their stories? Does it make you feel less of a loser sitting at home in your hot neighbour's stolen panties and your five-day stubble? At least you're not yanking off to your dad's vintage porn collection anymore, are ya? Isn't your mom proud of you?

Speaking of your mom, why don't you get back to sucking her teat, she's complaining her nipples are dry. Get off my blog. Don't forget to shove your head back into your ass on your way out, your 'roids are getting lonely.

11:38 AM

This blog is called The ANGRY Medic, not The Mildly Irritated Medic or The Slightly Grumpy Medic Who's Actually A Pretty Nice Fellow. TROLLS WILL BE TROLLED RIGHT BACK - I will shove my head so far up your ass, we'll be chewing the same piece of gum. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Cough. Now that that's out of the way, what do you think of the blog's new slogan? Dumb enough for the Beliebers?

I Haz A New Banner

So I finally got off my butt and made a new blog banner to replace my 6-year-old crappy-ass one. This one accurately reflects that I am no longer in Cambridge, and moved to London and Southeast Asia, so maybe all those butthurt people who send me hate mail asking why my blog banner is so misleading will shut up now.

But I honestly can't tell whether it's good or not. So what do you think?

Is the new banner good? Bad? Ugly? Does it make you want to throw up, rip your hair out, put Justin Bieber's 'Boyfriend' on maximum volume on your radio and go into mass hysteria?

Let me know!

My Guardian Article: Medical Student Nudity in French Hospitals

(Oh I bet that title got your attention, didn't it? In fact, you may even have gotten here by Googling something perverted. In which case, make sure you're using Private Browsing Mode  um GET AWAY FROM ME, SICKO. Cough. --Editor)

Today my article was published in The Guardian Online's Comment Is Free section. It's a piece on a really strange tradition in French hospitals, where giant murals depicting the current medical students (interns) having sex with their doctors, professors and other hospital staff are drawn on the walls of the students' break rooms. Think that's weird? Get this - these drawings are commissioned by the students themselves.

Yep. Take your time picking your jaw off the floor.

And you guys thought I never wrote anything respectable. LOVE ME NOW, MOM?!

Anyway, people coming over from the Guardian site have no idea who I am and are probably fast getting nauseous, so a quick introduction:

Hello, I am The Angry Medic, a doctor who writes on medical issues in a humorous fashion (more accurately: what I think is humorous, but what my readers would probably generously describe as vomit-inducing --Ed.) Before you run off, here's a sample of some of my more popular posts:

Emergency at 35, 000 Feet: An account of how I helped resuscitate an elderly lady on a long-haul flight out of Heathrow - and got slapped by her for my trouble

Inflight Emergencies: A valuable tip on what to drink if you feel nauseous (not water!) shared by the senior doctor in the post above

The Cambridge Interviewer Interviewed: After I enrolled at Cambridge University, I met my interviewer, who shed some light on the interview process and getting into Cambridge

Some Wounds Never Heal:  An award-winning post about how one patient wishes he didn't survive his recent surgery, and why

Doctors vs Nurses: Medicine's Oldest Battle: The original post that shot me to fame by being featured on the front page of the then-popular NHS Blog Doctor site. A nurse blogger had ranted against doctors and the online backlash was spectacular

The Last Valentine: A somber lesson shared by a grieving patient on Valentine's Day, dedicated to those who have lost a Valentine

 I also used to write for WedMD.com's medical student blog The Differential. Some popular posts from there attracting over 80 comments:

Why Do Surgeons Have Such Big Egos?:  A group of medical students observe that surgeons behave far more arrogantly than other doctors in the hospital. Big surprise

A Moment of Truth For Every New Doctor: An account of that first moment when someone needs urgent medical attention, and you're the only medical person there - and what makes you hesitate

Is Medicine Really My Passion?: An examination of why doctors become doctors, and whether they really love their job (for the right reasons)

If my writing hasn't yet made you throw up/bleed out of your ears/call for an ambulance, I hope you stick around and come back from time to time. You can also like my team's Facebook page, or follow us on Twitter. Just please don't send me hate mail saying what a terrible writer I am - I already get loads of that. (What, you actually thought I get real fan mail? Suckers. --Ed.)

Blog Housekeeping and Maintenance, a.k.a. I Wish I Had A Latino Maid

You gotta do everything yourself these days. Sheesh.
(If you don't get the joke, it's a Family Guy character. Also, why don't you watch Family Guy?! Are you ill?)

Those of you who read this blog regularly (all three of you) may have noticed some changes in the sidebar and upon scrolling down posts. This can only mean one thing: The Angry Medic has been messing about with HTML and templates and other stuff too complicated for his tiny brain to understand (You're only half right. My brain is not tiny; it's just largely empty. --Editor). But because I'm such a nice guy (and because my inbox is overflowing with hate mail already --Ed.) I'd like to get your feedback on these changes. So let me just tell you about some new stuff around the site:

-- Despite my deep hatred of Twitter (more on that in the following post), I have finally succumbed and joined Twitter. You can follow me using the button on the right, and see my latest tweets in the box on the lower right in the sidebar. Please be my friend on Twitter. I promise to keep you entertained with the latest news from my miserable life. You'll feel better about yourself, because your life doesn't suck so much. Cough.

Here's a cute bird. Doesn't that deserve following me on Twitter? LOOKIT HIS BIG CUTE EYES. HE'S SHO CUTE AIN'T HE? Oh god, I think I need to vomit now.

-- Because a lot of my readers are new and haven't seen my earlier (even more vomit-inducing) but totally awesome and not at all mental-illness-causing posts, I've installed the Slide-Out Recommended Post application. If you scroll down a post (not the main page), a recommended post should slide out of the bottom right screen corner. It's only supposed to do this at the end of a post, but it's so excited to see you, it can't help but come sooner than expected. (A problem many of my friends face. For the last time guys, no I will not help you steal Viagra from the hospital. Get some therapy. --Ed.)

--  I also finally have a Facebook page! You can get my tweets, blog posts, and crappy status updates all in one place! If you're on Facebook, do a poor starving ridiculously handsome medic a favour and 'Like' my Facebook page. You won't regret it, I promise*.

But all this depends on whether you, the reader, likes it, or thinks this makes reading my blog even MORE annoying than it already is. So if you don't like it, please let me know, either in the comments or by emailing me at angrymedic [at] gmail [dot] com. Especially the slide-out thing. I already have enough people sending me flame letters and hate mail every day, thankyouverymuch (no, my lecturers haven't forgiven me yet for raising their blood pressure permanently over the course of six years. I HATE YOU GUYS TOO. --Ed.)

*Oh, who am I kidding. I crossed my fingers whilst typing that. How did I type with crossed fingers? I, uh, have very talented fingers. Just ask my rectal exam patients!

AngryMedic.com Launched!

I know I haven't been updating in a while, but I've been busy revising for next week's mock Pharm exam (okay, so maybe I've also interspersed it with 12-hour breaks to play Star Wars: Empire at War. Maybe. --Editor).

Ever notice how when you're cramming, you start being really introspective and go all deep sometimes? There's the Penitent Promise, in which you promise yourself you'll never do last-minute cramming again and be a good student for the rest of your life (with the rest of your life inevitably meaning about 24 minutes after your last exam ends --Ed); there's the "What Am I Doing With My Life?" Self-Argument, where you question whether your standards are as high as you want to be known for/whether you're really doing what you love in life/whether the universe really was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster; there's also the "I'm Sorry Mom & Dad" panicked call home to blubber over the phone apologising for not being a good child and revising in time, and promising to study harder the next time around if only they'll keep paying for your education (this may occur in conjunction with the Penitent Promise).

And then there's the "Something Missing" Soul Search. The sense that something, somewhere, is missing in life; that medicine (or whatever else you're doing) isn't as fun as you thought it would be, but you know that's your fault.; the nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, you're just going through the motions and not REALLY enjoying what you're doing.

Sound familiar? Or is it just me again? But more on this next time. Now I have to go drown my post-Empire at War guilt in a few hours of revision at least. In the meantime, want something fun to do? Click here!

Awesome, huh?

"No, Osama...I Am Your Father!"

Darth Osama bin Vader

Well, okay. So maybe that statement's got a LITTLE inaccuracy in it.

Actually, I'm Osama's MOTHER.

Or at least I will be, when the Medics Revue opens this Wednesday at the ADC Theatre in Cambridge. Titled 'Happy Fetus', it's a fast-paced series of sketches that's sure to induce side-splitting laughter (don't worry, we've got NHS Direct on speed-dial. --Editor) without a penguin in sight.


It runs from Wednesday to Saturday at 11pm, and has always sold out in the past, so book your tickets (which are priced to suit the average student's constricted wallet) today here at the ADC Theatre website or by calling the box office at 01223 300085.

Our past shows (with the ever-so-catchy title 'The Chronicles of Hernia: The Lion, The Stitch and The Ward-Round' --Ed) went to Edinburgh Fringe festival last year and performed to sell-out audiences. This year's production promises to be no less entertaining, especially with a crazed medic completely fed up of lecture theatres in it.

So do me a favour and when you see Osama's mom come on stage, clap loudly. Either that or laugh uproariously when Barney the Dinosaur comes on stage. I wrote that sketch, and if after 573 times rehearsing it, it turns out not to be funny, I'll be eaten alive by my fellow cast members, who despite all being medics, won't be bothered about catching E. coli infections at the time.

Ah well. At least then I won't have to worry about MTAS anymore.