Heard Around The Hospital

Holy facepalm, Batman!

I'm really busy over the next couple of days doing important work for a wedding (and by important work I mean I got tricked into helping put up the decorations --Editor) so I'm going to do what I do best and throw bad jokes at you instead.

Every week I'll post up some of the funny shit I hear around the hospital and med school in a Heard Around The Hospital post.

When I got into Cambridge, I made an open application and was selected by Jesus College. With medical students being famous as they are for making bad jokes, this means I would hear all sorts of crappy punchlines: 

"You have a friend in Jesus." 

"Jesus chose me!" -- from a student who got pooled into Jesus College 

"Jesus is coming, look busy!" -- from rowers when they saw the Jesus College rowing team down the river

And my personal favourite, after 1pm lectures, this guy would stand up and loudly proclaim, "Friends, let us return to Jesus - for lunch."

Holy crap, indeed.

Have you got any bad jokes about university names? Please don't leave more bad Jesus jokes, I already have enough bad humour on Twitter every day with Beliebers telling me Justin Bieber produces real music. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ah dammit. Someday I'll learn to say that without falling off my chair laughing. --Ed.)

Also, about the Premier League matches, I just want to say - the tweet below left me in stitches. I leave it with you.

Don't hate me, Man United fans. Ah what the heck, you guys already hate me anyway.

Post inspired by Dr Grumpy, my favourite blogger who doesn't love me back. Sniff WHINE WHINE okay jeez I sound like my ex-girlfriend.

Chelsea Wins The FA Cup (And I Almost Get Slapped Because Of It)

I've talked before about how I became a Chelsea fan, and about how it is generally a very painful experience. Just today one friend told me "you must be used to pain; you're a Chelsea fan" (well yes I am a masochist - I am after all a doctor --Editor) and I was so scared of the humiliation that would follow the FA Cup final that I didn't even watch it. (Okay, I was actually at a wedding, and was following the match so intently on my phone that my mom threatened to slap me and chuck my phone into the giant bowl of fruit juice unless I went and talked to one of the many many beautiful women eyeing me. Oh wait, my mom reads this. Hi mom! You look beautiful today! --Ed.)

Then I woke up to the beautiful, beautiful news that Chelsea had actually won. The first thing I did was type out my Facebook status:

I woke up this morning - AND I SAW A MASSIVE FUCKING BLUE FLAG, FLYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY. (and no I'm not talking about morning wood, perverts). WOOHOO CONGRATS CHELSEA!

Mental images of my huge penis aside, being a Chelsea fan IS indeed a painful experience. But sometimes - just sometimes - Chelsea make it totally worth it, and I can hold my head high. Just like the blue flag is flying today.  

Congratulations, Chelsea FC.

Why I Am A Chelsea Fan

In case you missed last night's Chelsea-Barcelona match, here's what it looked like from my mind. (Warning: my mind is not representative of a normal sane mind):

I was going to apologise for this being a non-medical-related post, but then I realised this is football. Football fits into ANY blog, yo.

It's tough being a Chelsea fan, especially if you don't live in London. You're always surrounded by Manchester United fans, your team changes managers faster than Kim Kardashian changes husbands, and when you go to the pub with your friends to watch a match, you spend half the time in the toilet whilst your friends shout at you to drag your cowardly ass out and take Torres's excuses like a man.

So you may ask, if I know it's a sad life of torture and chugging antidepressants half the time, why did I even become a Chelsea fan? (Besides the fact that I enjoy pain and suffering, of course. I DID study medicine, you know. --Editor) Well, after last night's amazing match , I would like to say I became a Chelsea fan because I was inspired by the way they play and saw the potential in them to go far, and always had faith that they would shine when it mattered.

I would like to say that. That, of course, is a lie. I became a Chelsea fan much by accident.

When I moved to London, I found a lovely flat in Fulham Broadway to live. On my first day I rang the doorbell and a large Irish lady came out and introduced herself as the landlady. She very kindly showed me in, and after a short chat, she asked me the question.

"So, which football team do you support?"

At that time I didn't really follow football, and was going to tell her that. But something about the way she was looking at me warned me that she wasn't just making polite conversation.

That's when I noticed the blue scarf she was wearing.

And the blue welcome mat I was standing on.

And the ENTIRE FREAKING KITCHEN painted in blue. All covered with one logo.

"Chelsea," I said with the widest Honest Doctor smile I had learnt in communication skills classes.

She relaxed, then put down the rolling pin she'd been hiding behind her back the whole time*.

"Good. You better be a Chelsea fan round here, 'cos if you're not, you're likely to get beaten up!" She joked with a friendly smile. But the look in her eyes burned straight into my soul, and I knew she wasn't joking.

These days when I think about switching teams to Arsenal, or maybe even cheering for Man U at a match with my friends, I close my eyes--

--and I see my landlady staring at me with those eyes.

Chelsea. I'm Chelsea till I die. Yep.

*Okay I was kidding about the rolling pin. I think. 

SHAMELESS PLUG: If you thought this post was good/bad/made you throw up through at least three orifices, would you consider liking our Facebook page? I would love you forever and be eternally grateful and give all your kids free healthcare**. Thanks! 

**free healthcare may not be free. Or healthcare either, for that matter.