Saturday, May 09, 2009

What They Don't Tell You About Medical School

1. That calling a doctor "Sister" or worse, "Nursie" by mistake is going to earn you an hour-long scolding (during which the word "bastard" is used, and not in reference to the illegitimate child being born to the crack-dealing prostitute in the next ward), a very sore ear from previously-mentioned scolding, and a knowing snigger from every nurse you pass by for the next two weeks. (Not that I'd know anything about that, of course. Cough.)

2. That when you put in a cannula in an elderly patient in ICU (Intensive Care Unit) for the first time, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET IT RIGHT. And yes, the ward nurse WILL call you in two hours telling you that the patient's arm has swelled up bigger than Donald Trump's ego, and the patient's family wants to know which third-rate night-school retard doctor put that cannula in. (Not that I'd know anything about that either, of course. Cough cough.)

3. That your time management skills are going to decrease to those of a hyperactive chimpanzee addicted to Ritalin, and that this combined with a succession of emo posts and a very unfortunate exam timetable (Sunday afternoon clinical OSCE. 'Cos that's the only time they can clear the hospital's outpatients department --Editor) is going to reduce your previously impressive blog readership (three whole readers! --Ed.) to shameful (myself. Ooh, and my flatmate's dog. --Ed.)

That's all for now, folks, but right after exams I'm going to start posting reasonably regularly again. Med school has once again become the widescreen madhouse it started out to be, and hey I figure as long as I'm suffering, I might as well make some people laugh. (And if exams DON'T go well, forget the blog - come see me at your local McDonald's and I'll tell you the story in person. I'll be the guy mopping the floors - did you know they DON'T pay minimum wage? --Ed.)


Sheena said...

Oy, 27 comments on the last post, can? Count your readers better, or people are going to start thinking you're innumerate.

Despite the fact we - or at least I - applied to medical school because I wanted a course where I would never have to touch any maths again for the rest of my life.

Interestingly enough, I'd adapted your "these blogs will be the death of me, and by me I mean my degree" quote on my blog, and enough people were amused by it that they went to check you out.

So, yeah, by my external link count, definitely more than 3.

Btw, on cannulas: If you're sticking a grey or a brown cannula in, haematomas are normal. The screaming isn't. Use lidocaine. (I'm on Obs & Gynae, so this was something I found out very recently.)

God bless with your studies, Angry!

AzRN said...

no, no...starbucks, angry! one pound of coffee a week and stock opinions.

AzRN said...

by cannulas you mean iv access? two tips from my chain-smoking, one day older than dirt, nurses cap wearing mentor: if you can feel it, you can get it (meaning you don't need to see it) and use a warm pack to dilate the veins. works every time, good luck!

The Angry Medic said...

Sheena: Goodness, woman! You're efficient (or obsessive) enough to reply to comments within minutes of them being posted! Can I ask you for a favour right now? Don't ever, EVER, work in the same hospital as me. Please. I look bad enough as it is. (And LOL okay I'm not THAT hopeless at cannulation, but I didn't know that. Thanks!)

AzRN: OMG another scarily efficient blogger! Why, is everyone constantly pressing the refresh buttons on their blogs tonight? (Not that I'm doing that or anything, oh no. Hey, have you replied to this yet? Stupid mouse must be malfunctioning again.)

And I am going to remember that to my dying day - thanks!

DrShroom said...

Haematomas might be an expected complication of large bore cannulas, but they aren't normal...Usual? Maybe, but I would respectfully disagree with 'normal'. Lignocaine is kinder, tho

Anonymous said...

So Sheena, you can count but can you read? Several spam comments there.. anyway, what happened to Part 2 of the previous post?

Fiz said...

Lots of places don't pay minimum wages, such as cinemas. The "entertainment" trade is exempt, for some bizarre reason. GOK why, it's pure exploitation. Good luck with the exams!

Kendra said...

I once worked at a McDonalds. I never had to touch feces (that I know about). And now I pay (not GET paid) WAY more than minimum wage, to touch feces. Beautiful, isn't it?!

PS: I can't count, either.

Shrinked Immaculate said...

i tried calling a nurse a 'nurse' once and she gave me such a dressing down for not calling her 'sister'. I suppose in India, we still are a bit old fashioned.

Sheena said...

Anonymous: At least I know how to write my name.

John said...

When checking out med school, this looks like an awesome place to begin your academic program! The True Blue Campus at St. Georges University.

Dan said...
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Dan said...

dear angry medic,

i miss agnes.


Hamilton said...
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Julio Cesar said...
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Gabriel said...
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DundeeMedStudent said...

i Heart Angry

Dr. Deb said...

Hopeing to read more posts from you soon again!

The Angry Medic said...

DrShroom: Again, thanks for the info - am building up this repository of 'real world'medical tricks which I can use once I've passed my exams and can forget all the bullshit they teach you in med school ;)

(If you're reading this and you're a lecturer at my med school - ahaha KIDDING! Ahaha okay send me your bank account details.)

Maths Teacher Anonymous: Whoa there, no need for the hard tone. And yes, I hate spammers. Have you watched 'Yes Man'? I'm tempted to make like Jim Carrey, track them down to Switzerland and strap a couple bombs to myself.

Fiz: Took me quite a while to figure out what GOK stood for (I'M NOT STUPID OKAY.) Thanks!

Kendra: Hey, this way I'm doing exactly what you did! Just in reverse order :(

Shrinked Immaculate: Not just in India apparently!

The Angry Medic said...

Reason-Why-People-Look-Down-On-St-George's "John": When spamming on other people's blogs, this looks like an awesome way to be hated by everyone! The Truly Brainless Bastard Campus at St Angry Medic's University.

Dan: Dear Dan,

I understand. So does every nerdy NatSci in Cambridge. Do what I did and get a subscription to YouPorn. (Or hire a stalker. Not that I did both of those. Oh no. Damn, why is my nose getting longer?)

Love, Angry Medic.

DMS: FINALLY! Where've you been holed up mate? 3 whole spammers got ahead of you before you got here! :)

Dr Deb: Aw Dr D, diplomacy will get you everywhere! :)

Grumpy, M.D. said...

I think the overwhelming theme I learned in medical school was that there was absolutely, positively, NO WAY I was ever going to get all the crap done that I had to.

And somehow, when the test's dust had settled, I had. I have no idea how.

Fiz said...

Well done for getting rid of the pharmaceutical adverts - I hate it when spammers piggyback onto other sites! I promise not to use acronyms again, Angry!

Disability Insurance Quote said...

Humorous post, don't you wish they would have to you that stuff before you became a student? I don't envy you except for your earning potential.

Melissa said...

hah cannulation... that evil bastar--i meant hurmm, tricky lil thing..?

i was never good at that either, i once made a primigravida lady cried her eyes out bcoz on top of the contraction pain she was already enduring (for the very first time in her life, ><), i was struggling to get that big-assed (read:large bore) branula into her almost non-existent vein. and oh, did i mention that i messed up her maternity gown as well?

ah the sweet hell i'm in. i'm finishing in a week's time anyway. but of course, the nightmare isn't over yet. it has just begun. such irony...

tracy said...

Hey Angry,
That would be me at McD's....geeze i hate my life....but i loves yours!

adventures in disaster said...

Can someone please explain to me why a medical student, intern or resident is putting an IV in?
In every ICU in Canada and the US nurses manage their own peripheral IV's including insertion, we are now training to insert PICC lines.We have an IV team of nurses who put in the really hard ones ( chemo patients, elderly etc)
I don't think any of our staff could start an IV and our student staff may have tried to in med school but that was probably the last time.
Doctors, especially our residents are way too busy for IV's.
In fact in the CVICU we are trained to remove all our chest tubes and deep lines too.
It's just bizarre too me that UK docs wont delegate tasks that any trained RN can do.
Aren't you way too busy for this?

Spark Star said...

Hahhahaah.. that rant was HILARIOUS.
and That Profile Pic is also Funny.


Nice .. will keep dropping by.