Monday, December 15, 2008

The Adventure Begins (Again)

The Angry Medic's new home, a top socialist NHS
teaching hospital in London.

London! The financial centre of the world. A city bustling with life, teeming with people from all walks of life, headed towards all sorts of destinies. A metropolis full of excitement, dreams, possibilities, adrenaline--

-- and one clueless medical student who can't read a Tube map to save his life. (Literally. Who knew that chavs liked to beat up clueless-looking people wandering around in Cambridge University hoodies? And why the hell did they call me a "toff"? I don't even like toffee. --Ed.)

So I'm in London, situated at a top teaching hospital and finally in the thick of the good ol' socialist NHS. For simplicity's sake (and because I have fewer comedy ideas than Will Ferrell on a good day), I shall refer to my hospital as Stalingrad General Hospital from now on. (refer to above mind-bogglingly brilliant Photoshopped picture. Who needs sex when you have Photoshop? Who's with me? Huh? HUH? No not you David Schwimmer, you're just ugly. --Ed.)

Two months into clinical school, I have managed to acquaint myself with nearly every personality of note (and their respective bootprints, which have all become very good friends with my ass) in Stalingrad General, and for simplicity's sake (and because I have fewer comedy ideas than Prince Philip on a really, really good day) I shall refer to them all as they appear in the following Who's Who in Stalingrad General Hospital:

Komrade Professor - Our Professor of Medicine, in charge of the integration of Oxbridge transfer students into a "proper" medical school (read: teaching us poor pre-clinical sods how to hold a stethoscope properly.) Literally looks like a tanned version of Rowan Atkinson, complete with biting wit and a glare that makes you feel like Mr Bean presenting a chest x-ray.

Komrade Konsultant - Supreme Overlord of his medical specialty, and at the direct opposite end of the hospital food chain from me. I'll use this title for whoever's in charge of teaching me at the moment (read: bossing me around a bit, pretending they care about medical training, then disappearing faster than George W. Bush's approval ratings when I approach them for teaching).

Komrade Konsultant Surgeon - The consultant surgeon in charge, whenever I have the fantastic misfortune to be on a surgical specialty instead of a medical one. A heckuva lot more scarce than the medical variety, but (as any medical student will tell you) worse than medical consultants. A lot worse. (And hey, how appropriate will this picture be when I start Respiratory Surgery?)

Komrade Klinikal Skills Tutor - THE poor bastard in charge of teaching us poor bastards how to hold a stethoscope properly. Loses hair faster than John McCain lost the election. Probably got the job in return for a foreign work permit or because he got caught stealing cookies from Komrade Professor's personal tin. Either way, I pity the man. (And so will you, once you hear what we've done to him. --Ed.)

So there we go - a small sampling of the crazy characters perpetrating the wide-screen madness that goes on daily at my clinical school. (Boy, the stories I have for you! And I haven't even introduced the nurses yet.) Stay tuned*!

*Anybody (and I mean ANYBODY) who makes the ol' tuning-fork-neurological-exam joke at this point gets to be the first subject in my clinical trial to test whether humans can feel tuning-fork vibrations in the inner rectum, okay?


Elaine said...

Oh, this is just so funny, just as well I had finished my orange juice....

I particularly liked your use of appropriate avatars for the different characters about which you write. (Can't possibly "use a preposition to end a sentence with" when writing to a Cambridge graduate, now can I?

Knitman said...

Just read your first two posts and I am glad the medical world is going to have least one other feeling human in their ranks. Not many of them there (tho my own go is fantastic). Long term patients need a sense of humour too. Or a gun.

hodilun said...

Respiratory Surgery. Good one. What about cosmetic surgery?
In case you're wondering, i still miss you.

Bal said...

Hohoho, so someone is still alive, huh? So much for calling me before flying. *glares*

I hope this means you're going to update this thing a bit more frequently, now? Seeing how you don't have much productive things to do when you're bored and not in Cambridge, do you? (Not to put down your awesome hospital rounds, of course)

zewt said...

hey medic.... all the best. now u can really live a grey's anatomy type of life.

tracy said...

Oh, Angery, this entry is just tooo was especially wonderful to see "Black Adder" from his WW 1 Days and also remember the hilarious Hugh Laurie before he became all serious and grumpy "House" on us. This entry is among your very best and most hilarious...thank you, thank you! You are the bestest! (is too a word!)
See, an entry of your can bring even unexpected laughs...HA!

Bunches 'o love, Comrade tracy

The Keen Observer said...

Your writings are (well) worth straying away from 'real' work for and are a pleasant distraction from the dull- and mundaneness of medical student life. Please keep writing!

Anonymous said...

What hospital are you really at?

Greta said...

Oh're not gonna start writing your posts in Latin or French or some other romance language that I slept through in high school, are you?

Ms-Ellisa said...

I like Jafar... :-D

The Angry Medic said...

Elaine: Haha glad about your orange juice too. I haven't learnt that particular lesson, and the Coke stains on my laptop's keyboard stare at me incriminatingly every day :P

Knitman: Oh wow, thanks for the kudos. And agreed on the sense of humour, though still thinking about the gun(especially since such patients have aimed many other equally harmful things at me).

hodilun: Ahaha I knew someone would get it. And cosmetic surgery? Touche good man! Oh and I'm home! Where are you?

Ballybuns: Oh har de har har, Emerson Cod. You're funny. Yeah I meant to call you before I left, but I'll be back real soon anyways. Yes this dump'll be updated more frequently - now say the same about YOUR blog, you lazy orc you.

Zewt: Whoa a visit from the great one himself! Thanks man :)

Comrade Tracy: Aww thanks again - and yes, I knew the Blackadder pic would bring back memories to some people.I loved that series, but discovered House before Blackadder - never knew Hugh Laurie could be slapstick-funny o_O

The Angry Medic said...

Keen Observer: Aww shucks, that ain't, uhm, me blushing or anything. Just tomato sauce smeared on my face. Yeah. Cough.

Inquisitive Anonymous: Yeah right. Oh wow, how'd you know I was born yesterday? Whilst I'm at it, shall I send you my home address, credit card number and bank details as well? It's no secret where I study, but I'd prefer not to publish it openly on my blog, thanks very much.

Greta: Say whut? LOL no danger of that, dear, the only Latin I know is the Hogwarts motto from Harry Potter (Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus - Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon) :P

Ms Ellisa: Yeah he's my favourite Disney villain too! My clinical skills tutor isn't even Arabic, I just put his pic up there randomly (and to make future Photoshop pics humorous) :P

Dan said...

they are all quite slim. being big boss of a hospital must be good for health

The Angry Medic said...

Dan: It's all the stairs, man.

Genevieve said...

reeling...just reeling, what a sense of humor. Damn...

Fiz said...

Just found you, thanks to The Paramedics Diary. My dogs were worried by my impression of a hysterical hyena (is there any other sort?). I also adore the sublime, oozing evil that is Jafar! Have fun!