"I will tolerate no phones ringing. If you have your cell phone, please, give yourselves a cheap thrill and set it to vibrate." -- beginning her first lecture.
"Some of you may have heard from less-than-pleased ex-students of mine that Professor Stanley is obsessed with sex.
*pause for effect*
This is true."
-- introduction to her first lecture (Tumour Biology of all things. But she did describe the reproduction of her lab mice in excruciating projectile-vomit-causing detail.)
"Hypertrophy is a response to excessive or prolonged demand, such as in the pregnant uterus - they don't call it labour for nothing."
"Semen is a most dangerous substance. Always avoid it at all costs. Research has shown that it gives you the biggest tumour of all - pregnancy." -- explaining how squamous metaplasia is caused in the uterus.
"Some of these names are very old - we've used them since pussy was a cat." -- introducing the terms 'melanoma' and 'seminoma'.
"Normal tissue is ordered and structured, like the dancers in Strictly Come Dancing. Cancerous tissue, then, is like the Strictly Come Dancing afterparty." -- quite self-explanatory really
"Bitter experience has taught me that 80% of this lecture theatre will not know what 'faecal' means, and that I must use language appropriate to your generation - this, ladies and gentlemen, is shit."
And they say med school lecturers are boring.
Angry Medic Execution Countdown Update! Well, it's exam weekend again, and I'm terrified to the point of wearing adult diapers. It's kinda all on the line this time. But hey, on Friday I'll be home free and able to update again, despite the fact that my fate hangs in the balance and will be announced the week after. So for all you people out there whom I haven't pissed off yet (yes, I'm talking to all three of you) now would be a good time to cross your fingers/say a prayer/sacrifice a virgin princess on my behalf.
Thanks, and see you all soon! (If you don't hear from me, though, send the police here. I'll be in my Darth Vader costume, so whoever finds me first gets it!)