I'm 2 weeks away from exams. I should know all my material cold by now. At the beginning of last year I told myself that I would. That I wouldn't make mistakes. That I wouldn't fall into the trap every lazy student falls into before exams.
And yet here I am. Mediocre. Ordinary.
In Michaelmas I caught up with my Director of Studies as he was leaving College one late evening. He told me that when he looked at my application form two years ago, he said to himself, "This is a guy I want." He had handpicked me out of all those applications. Because he put his trust in me. He believed in me. That I wouldn't let the College down.
Now he doesn't even reply my emails anymore.
Can you imagine how painful it is knowing that you've let someone like that down?
I probably won't even make it into clinical school at Cambridge. I'll probably be kicked out to some school in London. And that makes me angry. Not about London. In fact I believe that clinical schools in London run a better course than the one here at Addenbrookes. It's the fact that I'll be KICKED OUT.
I should be hardworking. I should be one of those medics who sleeps 5 hours a night, who sleeps alternate nights, who made flashcards months ago and by now has finished revising everything and is just working through past-year papers. The kind with Grey's Anatomy-like zeal. With an aggressive surgical streak. Because they're ALL AROUND ME. Sure, they come in with sleepy smiles and say "Mate, I'm so screwed, I've done no work at all, I can't remember anything", blah de blah de bloody blah. But you know it's all bullshit. That it's about as believable as a cow standing up on two hind legs and telling you it's the Queen of England. Or Paris Hilton saying she's sorry and she won't do it again.
But no. Instead here I am, having slept for 7 hours when I intended to pull an all-nighter. Snoozing around when countless good, honest people laboured to get me here, me being a kid from exactly the wrong kind of background to get into Cambridge. A Type B medical student in the world capital of Type A students. A dolphin in a sea of sharks.
And I hate it.