Heard Around The Hospital: Father's Day

"Hey doc, next week's my 25th wedding anniversary."

"Wow, congratulations! So close to Father's Day, too."

"Actually, I proposed to my wife on Father's Day. Know what I told her?"

"No, I--"

"I walked up to her and said, Hey baby, aren't you going to wish me Happy Father's Day? Because I'm the future father of your children."

And patients say I'M weird.

Heard Around The Hospital: Mother's Day

In the middle of a busy Monday clinic after Mother's Day:

"Doc, can I have the day off today?"

"Oh. Why? Are you unwell?"

"Yes, I've been really tired lately. I think I just need a rest."

"I see. Any idea why you're feeling so down?"

"...I'm a mother of two. Do I need any other reason?!"

I gave her the day off.

Heard Around The Hospital: A Sign of the Times

In the middle of a busy Monday clinic:

"And how can I help you and your little boy today, madam?"

"Doctor, I've come with a nagging question about his developmental milestones. I've tried asking around but no one seems to know. Even my parents said they didn't use to worry about all this stuff while raising me."

"Have you checked the Personal Child Health Record?  A lot of the milestones are in there--"

"No no, it's not about when he'll walk or talk. That's all boring stuff. This is worse. I haven't been able to find answers anywhere."

"Worse? Oh dear. What are you concerned about?"

The mother leans in close and drops her voice.

"What age do I allow him to use an iPad?"

Heard Around The Hospital: Ask Siri

"Boss, that was amazing. How did you figure out that patient had an embolus? That was a really hard call to make. He's alive because of you."

"Well, sometimes in life, you have to make the hard decisions. You just learn to go for it."

"I see. How did you decide on this case though?"

"Oh, this time I just asked Siri."

Heard Around The Hospital: A Blood-y Joke

Photo credit

We've all had them - patients who come in for a low blood count (low haemoglobin), get blood transfused intravenously into their bodies, and then the next day the phlebotomist shows up to measure their new blood count:

Phlebotomist: I'm going to need to take your blood again today.

Patient: But...but I just got some blood yesterday.

Phlebotomist: Well, you didn't think you'd get to keep it, did you?

Heard Around The Hospital: Starbucks

In the middle of a long line at the hospital Starbucks:

"Where's the house officer? Why isn't he taking our orders?"

"He got called up to the ward for a code blue, boss."

"Code blue? Before my morning Starbucks? How rude!"

Heard Around The Hospital: April Fool

In the middle of clinic on April 1st:

"And how are you feeling today, sir?"

"Doctor, I feel terrible. I've been really depressed lately. In fact, I think...I think I may shoot myself."

"What! That's terrible. How long have you been feeling like this?"

"APRIL FOOL! Bahahaha no, I'm feeling fine. I just came to get some flu meds."


Sometimes I think I may shoot myself.

Photo credit.

Heard Around The Hospital: Marriage

"Doctor, I think I'm depressed."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Any idea why?

"Yes! My son's just told me he doesn't want to get married."

"Oh. Well it's common to feel a bit down due to family disagreements. Shall I arrange for you to see a counsellor?"

"Me?! I don't need a counsellor. My son needs a counsellor!"

"Why?"

"Because he doesn't want to get married! He's obviously crazy. Who wouldn't want to get married?!"

Heard Around The Hospital: Solar Eclipse

Photo credit: Peter MacLean

Overheard in a busy clinic:

Patient: Doctor, my friend burned his eye staring directly at the solar eclipse. Should I ask him to come see you?

Doctor: No. There is no treatment for solar retinopathy (sun damage to the retina --Editor).

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because there's no treatment for stupidity.

Ouch.

Heard Around The Hospital: Demented Wisdom

In the middle of a busy night call:

Me: Madam, why have you come to hospital?

Demented Patient: I...I don't know. Do you know why I'm here?

Me: I don't know either.

Patient: Well since we both don't know what we're doing here, why don't we both leave?

Me: That's the best idea I've heard all night.

Sometimes demented patients make the most sense.

The Best Advice For Medical Students Ever

Medical Student: We have our final exams next month! Do you have any last-minute advice for us? Anything you wish you could tell yourself just before you sat YOUR final exams?

Me: ...Sure. Gather round and come close, because I'm going to give you the best advice anyone will ever give you throughout your careers, and possibly your lives.

The students all gather together around me, their eager faces full of hope, their hungry eyes staring wide at me.

I lean forward and whisper softly, just loud enough for them to hear over the noise of the ward:

"Go to business school instead."

Heard Around The Hospital - Comeback Edition

I'm baaaack! Not that it matters much, to the three people left still reading this blog regularly. I had to stop blogging due to this minor annoyance called work (yes, I actually became a real doctor! Aren't you proud of me? Yes? Hello? Hi Mom! -- Ed.) but I'm finally done with being a junior doctor, and the writing bug is starting to bite me again. Not because I actually have anything worth writing about, mind you, but because my patients give me so much crap I have to vent it somewhere.

A few samples of stuff I hear around the hospital in my daily routine of being your bitc-- uh, your doctor:

* * *

In medical school they teach us to end our clinic consultations by asking the patient "Do you have any other questions for me?"

THIS IS A TRAP. DON'T DO IT.

Among the questions I got today:
Doctor, why can't I urinate in a straight line?
Can you prescribe me some Viagra?
Do you know anything about Microsoft PowerPoint?
Can my cat give me the flu?
Is the new Godzilla movie any good?

Dammit I'm a doctor, not a search engine!

* * *

I run a HEART CLINIC. It is for HEART PROBLEMS. Among the problems I saw in clinic today:

Headache
Butt ache
Boyfriend dumped my daughter 
Rash from shaving chest hair 
Dog ate my prescription 
Can't remember what I came to clinic for

Become a doctor, they said. It'll be fun, they said.

* * *

Patient's relative: Doctor, I was wondering if I could ask you something.

Me: Why of course. I'm here to help.

Relative: Oh but, I'm a little shy to ask. Sorry for the trouble.

Me: It's okay. Whatever you ask me is completely confidential. Feel free to speak. That's what doctors are for.

Relative: Oh, okay then. My mother's diaper is full of shit and the nurses aren't free. Would you mind changing her diaper?

Become a doctor, they said. It'll be fun, they said.

Heard Around The Hospital

This is part of a series of posts that contain funny things I hear in medicine. You can find the previous posts by clicking here.


Don't Mess with the Pharmacists

Today I took my mother to the hospital pharmacy.

Me: And this is all the medication, is it?

Pharmacist: Yes, make sure she takes it on time.

Me: Oh don't worry, I'm a doctor.

Pharmacist: ...oh God, not another one.

Was it something I said?

Failed Medical Entrance Exam Answers
This has been making the rounds on Facebook. Apparently Mr Bean wanted to become a doctor and took a university entrance exam. The question was "Define the following terms". Here are his answers:

Antibody : A person who hates his body.

Artery : The study of fine paintings.

Bacteria : The back door of cafeteria.

Coma : A punctuation mark.

Labour pain : A workplace accident.

Cardiology : The advanced study of playing cards.

Sounds like he'll make a fine doctor. (Strangely enough, that's the same reaction my lecturers had when talking about my exam answers...)

If you liked this, you can get more laughs round the clock by following me on Twitter @theangrymedic, where I have over 300 followers now. 300 poor souls taking my crap can't be wrong! Also like my Facebook page pretty please with sugar on top.

Heard Around The Hospital

This is a weekly series of funny stuff I overhear in medicine. For the previous post, click here.

I'm still busy with stuff I discussed in A Death In The Family, so I'm doing reruns. You may have seen these on Twitter and around teh interwebz, but I bet they'll give you a laugh anyway. See if you can spot where these doctors went wrong:

ACTUAL UNEDITED NOTES WRITTEN BY DOCTORS ON PATIENTS MEDICAL CHARTS

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
 

The patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today; who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

That awkward moment when a patient sees 'SOB' written on his chart and thinks you're insulting him: 

Click this picture for the full comic. 

(Courtesy of PoorMD via Cartoon Guide)

If you've got any that I missed, dump 'em in the comment section below. Have a happy Monday folks!

If you liked this, don't forget to like my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter. I promise to entertain you, and with more than* just toilet jokes!

*"more than" may be subjective

Heard Around The Hospital

Holy facepalm, Batman!

I'm really busy over the next couple of days doing important work for a wedding (and by important work I mean I got tricked into helping put up the decorations --Editor) so I'm going to do what I do best and throw bad jokes at you instead.

Every week I'll post up some of the funny shit I hear around the hospital and med school in a Heard Around The Hospital post.

When I got into Cambridge, I made an open application and was selected by Jesus College. With medical students being famous as they are for making bad jokes, this means I would hear all sorts of crappy punchlines: 

"You have a friend in Jesus." 

"Jesus chose me!" -- from a student who got pooled into Jesus College 

"Jesus is coming, look busy!" -- from rowers when they saw the Jesus College rowing team down the river

And my personal favourite, after 1pm lectures, this guy would stand up and loudly proclaim, "Friends, let us return to Jesus - for lunch."

Holy crap, indeed.

Have you got any bad jokes about university names? Please don't leave more bad Jesus jokes, I already have enough bad humour on Twitter every day with Beliebers telling me Justin Bieber produces real music. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ah dammit. Someday I'll learn to say that without falling off my chair laughing. --Ed.)

Also, about the Premier League matches, I just want to say - the tweet below left me in stitches. I leave it with you.

Don't hate me, Man United fans. Ah what the heck, you guys already hate me anyway.

Post inspired by Dr Grumpy, my favourite blogger who doesn't love me back. Sniff WHINE WHINE okay jeez I sound like my ex-girlfriend.