Heard Around The Hospital - Comeback Edition

I'm baaaack! Not that it matters much, to the three people left still reading this blog regularly. I had to stop blogging due to this minor annoyance called work (yes, I actually became a real doctor! Aren't you proud of me? Yes? Hello? Hi Mom! -- Ed.) but I'm finally done with being a junior doctor, and the writing bug is starting to bite me again. Not because I actually have anything worth writing about, mind you, but because my patients give me so much crap I have to vent it somewhere.

A few samples of stuff I hear around the hospital in my daily routine of being your bitc-- uh, your doctor:

* * *

In medical school they teach us to end our clinic consultations by asking the patient "Do you have any other questions for me?"

THIS IS A TRAP. DON'T DO IT.

Among the questions I got today:
Doctor, why can't I urinate in a straight line?
Can you prescribe me some Viagra?
Do you know anything about Microsoft PowerPoint?
Can my cat give me the flu?
Is the new Godzilla movie any good?

Dammit I'm a doctor, not a search engine!

* * *

I run a HEART CLINIC. It is for HEART PROBLEMS. Among the problems I saw in clinic today:

Headache
Butt ache
Boyfriend dumped my daughter 
Rash from shaving chest hair 
Dog ate my prescription 
Can't remember what I came to clinic for

Become a doctor, they said. It'll be fun, they said.

* * *

Patient's relative: Doctor, I was wondering if I could ask you something.

Me: Why of course. I'm here to help.

Relative: Oh but, I'm a little shy to ask. Sorry for the trouble.

Me: It's okay. Whatever you ask me is completely confidential. Feel free to speak. That's what doctors are for.

Relative: Oh, okay then. My mother's diaper is full of shit and the nurses aren't free. Would you mind changing her diaper?

Become a doctor, they said. It'll be fun, they said.