Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Snapshots Of Hell: The Cambridge Round-Up, Week 1: Of Whale Skeletons, Jobless Linguists and Teetotaling Emergency Physicians

So ends the first week of the new term in Cambridge! And I've only missed 6 lectures by oversleeping (out of the 7 or so that have been held so far), failed one audition, pulled one quadriceps muscle (hey, House has made hobbling around on one leg sexy again --Ed) and been called part of "the worst batch in living history" by my Director Of Studies. Oh, it's going to be a fantastic year.

Join me for a quick look at the week that was in Cambridge:

Jesuans Get Back In The Saddle (Of A Whale This Time)
(In case you're wondering - and I know you are - 'Jesuan' is the term given to students of Jesus College to sound cool. And to give our cheerleading teams something to use to refer to us when we play against those arrogant Johnians. Not to be confused with a certain religious order. --Ed)


Last year a drunken fresher at Jesus made headlines when she was caught riding the extremely tempting horse that lies in First Court (so named because it's the first court you see as you walk into Jesus. Clever eh? --Ed) and is part of the College's attempt to distinguish itself by littering its ancient grounds with completely unrelated pieces of modern art. Since then, great advances in Jesuan academic and intellectual performance have been made (believed to have been stimulated by the Chaplain screening 'Kind Hearts and Coronets' on cinema night, and the Master striding up and down in his long black robe for no other apparent reason than to strike terror into the hearts of unproductive students --Ed) and this year, we see the result at last.

Jesus students have increased their tastes. Graduated to a whole new level of culture, class, and taste.

This time they rode a whale.

This whale, to be more precise. Outside the Biochemistry lecture theatre is a huge replica of a finback whale. After a particularly inspiring chav-themed bop, two students somehow scaled the walls of the Zoology building and found themselves drunk, alone and cold, with only a large whale skeleton and group of rather angry security guards for company.

What a great year for Jesuan achievement.


Linguists Lament Portuguese Pull-out
Driven both by a need for international publicity and a Patricia-Hewitt-like drive to save money, Cambridge University has decided to axe Portuguese from next year onwards. Whilst the Portuguese Ambassador scrambles to the Brazilian Embassy to get other nations together to try and knock some sense into our dons, linguists start to realise that maybe they should've done another degree that gave them more job security, as this sketch from Varsity illustrates:


(Rather like MMC, innit? --Ed)

It's Official: Cambridge Students Are Drunken Idiots
Here in Cambridge we students are subject to intense pressure. Just because we come to Cambridge our lecturers (many of whom step out of their labs once a week and have been wearing the same shirt since they made their first breakthrough in 1969) expect insanely high amounts of work from us, and the worst thing is that some of us actually DO work that hard. For the rest of us normal folk, tension release comes in many forms. Some of us blog (*cough* --Ed), some of us take to the stage (*cough cough* --Ed) but mostly we just drink. Or at least says Addenbrooke's Consultant Emergency Physician Dr Boyle, who adds that hazards for drunken students involve "falling off bikes, falling into the River Cam and having unprotected sex". He also says student binge drinking "sets the ground for alcoholism in future".

So I'm going to be an alcoholic doctor with only 3 years of clinical exposure instead of the usual 5 enjoyed by medics from other universities.

Why am I here again?

31 comments:

Nathan said...

Work hard, play hard, I guess. However, one of my lectureers recently said "the risk factors for traumatic brain injury are being young, being old, or being male. Well duh."

At least he saw the humour. Stay safe man, no matter how you let off steam. Though, as someone about to be a doctor, I have to advise you not to drink to excess :)

Dan said...

stop whining, you bum. get to work.

Dan said...

bites the panda

Spirit of 1976 said...

I would advise you not to drink to excess, but I'm too hungover right now. I'll do it later.

I mean, honestly, if they stick a big bronze horse on the lawn, then what on earth is it for except for the drunk students to ride? It's simply the correct use of amenities.

zewt said...

6 lectures from oversleeping? not that bad... i think i only attended 6 lectures durin winter when i was there (in uk i mean, not in cambridge, not smart enough).

What happened to the girl who were caught 'riding' the horse? hmmm

why are you there.... damn, i will give anything to switch place with you. grey's anatomy made me wanna become a surgeon, and no, not for the fucking around perks.

oh, have not learnt how to use photoshop yet... no time la, and i am not an IT person, but i am trying my best...

zewt said...

6 lectures from oversleeping? not that bad... i think i only attended 6 lectures durin winter when i was there (in uk i mean, not in cambridge, not smart enough).

What happened to the girl who were caught 'riding' the horse? hmmm

why are you there.... damn, i will give anything to switch place with you. grey's anatomy made me wanna become a surgeon, and no, not for the fucking around perks.

oh, have not learnt how to use photoshop yet... no time la, and i am not an IT person, but i am trying my best...

DrShroom said...

I seem to recall being told I was part of the worst intake in living memory when I was at Shroom medical school... I think they trawl this line out regularly. And this didn't stop me becomiong the alcoholic medical professional that I am now.
Slainte

Patient Anonymous said...

I do love your tales of Cambridge if nothing more. I told you, I fell in love with it when I was there two years ago! Just wandered around by myself and poked around.

When was the horse put up? I was at your college...I'm sure of it! I don't remember seeing it!

Dan said...

"What happened to the girl who were caught 'riding' the horse? hmmm"

they let a horse ride her.

heheh. no.

i wish.

the little medic said...

Hmmm, I seem to remember that we were told we were "the worst year yet" partly because loads of people cheated but the medical school just don't like our year for some reason. Maybe it's because i'm in it?!?

And that horse... I went to Jesus May Ball 2 years ago and they put the horse in a box so nobody could get to it. I can fully understand the temptation to ride it!! Why put it there and expect people not to climb on it - then again, there is lots of stuff I don't understand about Cambridge.

The Angry Medic said...

Nathan: Hahaha, thanks for the official medical spiel. You know how it is with medics and drinks...how else are we gonna drown our sorrows?

(By blogging, you fool. --Editor)

Oh shut up.

Uhm, sorry. Studying schizophrenia makes you more susceptible to it, they say...

Dan: Bleargh. You're right. Trump says we must be obsessive about our work to succeed. OBSESS!

*obsesses*

And, uhm, no, they didn't let a horse ride her. That...would've been ugly. Who needs to get back to work now huh?!

Spirit of 1976: You're hung over?

And here I thought Spirit in your title meant soul...

(haha geddit?)

Zewt: Oh, the girl got screwed over by the press, but after a disciplinary hearing they decided to let her off. I met her today actually while I was checking my mail. It's a rush to be standing next to a local celebrity :)

And hey, being in Cambridge is NOTHING like being on Grey's Anatomy. We visit hospitals once a year, and sit on our arses gobbling scientific trivia the rest of the time.

Ooh, you studied here? Then you know how depressing winter is...

The Angry Medic said...

Patient Anonymous: Aww thanks for the kudos. I sometimes wonder if anyone bothers with the Cambridge-related post, but I enjoy writing my take on local events (and this being Cambridge, there IS quite a bit of looniness to write about).

Uhm...the horse has been in Jesus forever, as far as I know. Maybe it was taken away for maintenance or something?

If you're a tourist you can get away with walking across the lawn to touch it, actually. Especially if you're a Japanese tourist in an expensive-looking suit :)

(But you didn't hear that from me.)

Dr Shroom: You mean...you mean it's not only me? WOOHOO!

Heh. It DOES seem to be a rather common line, actually. Still, I better start hauling arse if I wanna pass (and I didn't do spectacularly last year either...)

Little Medic: That's it! That, my man, is proof that you HAVE been to the Jesus Mayball...we all find it really tickling that the Horse is encased in a box! They don't have enough porters to hold back the entire rush of drunken students then. You've been to Cambridge quite a bit haven't you?

And heh. Cambridge is simply a weird place. With lots of weirdos (myself included). No one can explain it. Not even the weirdos :)

Bohemian Road Nurse... said...

I was going to nag you about "tending to your studies" but I'm still laughing about the horseback rider---I hope she yelled something like: "Yippee Yi Ki Yay!"

Nathan said...

Ha, the voices in my head tell me I'm not schizophrenic.

And neither am I.

And neither am I.

Indian Medic said...

life on ur campus if nothing else is damn happening!!!

Anna Akhmatova said...

Whale riding! Isnt that the term you use when you're doing an obesed person? When you have a fetish for fat?Blubber lovers? I think there are thousands of pornsites dedicated to that predilection! *hee*

Alex Tang said...

being called "the worst batch in living history" by your Director Of Studies. Duh. They tell that to every batch. In every medical school. In every country. In every worlds. The speech comes with the small packets they receive when they become Director of Studies.

3 years to become alcholic medics! Man, they sure have improved their training methods since my time.

the little medic said...

Yes Angry, before my girlfriend graduated from Cambridge this year, I spent most weekends there for about 18 months.

I really like Cambridge and I have to agree that its full of weirdos! My favourite weirdo being the dude who rides his bike round and round and round Cambridge playing white noise (supposed to be music) at full volume.

And finally, me and porters didn't really get on to well.

HospitalPhoenix said...

Oh dear. I suddenly feel like a bit of a grownup.

[finds a grey hair and pulls it out]

Calavera said...

I'm sorry, but looking at that photo of that stone horse on the lawn - that just begs to be ridden.

I would have done the same thing. And the most disturbing thing is that I wouldn't even have to be drunk to do so, I'd probably do it when I was as sober as all hell.

Dang.

Dan said...

i am going to do it in my fourth year.

The Angry Medic said...

Bohemian Road Nurse: Ha ha, that's funny because it's true... :) I think she WAS yelling something to that effect when the porters dragged her off her bronze steed.

Indian Medic: "If nothing else" is spot on, I'm afraid. There really IS nothing else of note besides the widescreen madness Cambridge students get up to (and hey, I'm already insane, so why shouldn't the rest of them be too?)

Anna Akhmatova: Ugh bleargh GAWD! Woman! Did you not think that I could be EATING when I read that? That's one deli sandwich I was looking forward to eating! Now I'll have to slowly and painstakingly pick it out of my nostrils!

Dr Tang: Whoa, the great Alex Tang stops by! I'm honoured. And yes, things HAVE changed since your time...everywhere except in Cambridge, it seems. The University is adamant on not changing their medical courses along with the rest of the world...which means by the time we get to clinical school we have a HECK of a lot of catch-up to do :(

Little Medic: So your gf's graduated! I thought she might still be here. Oh, at least you didn't run into the dude who cycles naked down King's Parade and frightens the thermals off Japanese tourists. And who gets along well with porters anyway?

(Not that I'd know anything about getting in trouble with porters, oh no.)

HospitalPhoenix: Oi! Are you insulting my age, young man?

Calavera: Hahahahaha...i KNOW! It's probably why so many Jesus students ride it...it's begging to be ridden. (Not in that way, you pervs. --Ed) And hey, non-Jesuans really have no liabilities to the college, so why don't you come up to Cambridge one dark night and ride it. Make sure you wear your running shoes though :)

Nancy said...

"Hmmm, I seem to remember that we were told we were "the worst year yet". The worst year yet could also be the memorable years. So have fun.....

Bohemian Road Nurse... said...

I should have quit while I was ahead---because now it's snowing over here, heh! (I love the titles of the blogs in your blogroll---the one entitled "The Hippocratic Oaf" has me in stitches!)

Tunku Halim said...

You sure you want to pass, ah? Maybe I'll post you a rotan so you can whack yourself into attending a few more lectures. Just don't enjoy it (the whacks, not the lectures) too much...

Dan said...

someone has an S-M fetish.

no, S-M does not stand for sue-mae. :P

zewt said...

yeah, winter is depressing, but i think it's darn good to just sleep your life away. hey... anything is better than lecture right?

next post o-angry-one...

The Angry Medic said...

Bohemian: You...you have SNOW?

But..but I'M the one in England! I should have snow too! *tantrum*

Heh. Believe it or not, I was going to call my blog The Hippocratic Oath before I settled on this. Then I discovered him. He really is a good writer, not an oaf at all. I'd have done the name more justice than he would have :P

I really liked your last megapost btw.

Tunku Halim: Good Lord. First Anna comes over and talks about "whale riding", and now after mentioning "grabbing Lydia" on your blog you come and suggest I have an S&M fetish!

And I thought writers were clean wholesome people...

Dan: What's wrong with a Sue-May fetish? ;)

Zewt: You, sir, are truly a man after my own heart. Now HERE'S someone who appreciates leisure! Sane people have trouble getting up at 9am to listen to some old guy drone away; what more insane people like me?

And yes la uncle, I'm a bit slow to post nowadays la...

Dan said...

nothing, actually.

Sir William Harvey (dec'd) said...

Cheer up. I remember a (Valentines edition?) Varsity article a few years back that listed that horse as one of the top ten places to get, ahem, "friendly" with your other half (along with those other predictable favourites, the UL and the Union President's chair). Surely that must count as incitement?

Oh, and there is nothing replica about that whale...

The Angry Medic said...

Dan: Exactly, my man, exactly.

Sir William Harvey: Oho! Wish I had a copy of that. You'd need to, uh, get friendly really quickly to finish before the porters got you though wouldn't you? In, out, wham bam thank you ma'am. And do you mean...d'you mean the whale's REAL?