When Doctors Troll

(Note: This post was published originally in 2007, but was taken down at the request of the doctor mentioned, as he's become quite well-known. All names have been changed to protect privacy.)

When I was a baby medic*, we were given a talk by Dr Noob, the author of a now-popular textbook, who gave us a grave warning about why you should never accept chocolate from a doctor.

On Dr Noob's first day at a new hospital, a senior doctor walked up and shook his hand. "Hey, I'm Dr M. Welcome to Freakshow General Hospital**," he grinned, and gave Dr Noob a Cadbury Creme Egg. "It's always been a tradition here to give the new doctor one of these. For good luck. Eat up, and if you have any questions, I'd be happy to help."

"Wow, thanks, that's really nice of you." Dr Noob popped the egg into his mouth and picked up a patient's chart. "Actually I do have a question; see this--"

But Dr M cut him off. "Actually Doctor, I'd like you to check the medication I've just administered, ."

Dr Noob looked at him. There were no patients around to give medication to. Then Dr M grinned evilly.

"Oh, didn't I say? It's also always been the tradition that the chocolate egg given to the new guy is injected with furosemide." (Furosemide is a water tablet that makes you pee. If you STILL have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a clue. --Ed.)

Dr M patted Dr Noob on the shoulder. "If I were you, I'd stay close to the toilet today, old chap. Wet pants flop a lot when you walk. Cheers!" And off he went. And you can imagine what the rest of the day was for poor old Dr Noob. 

And so a rivalry started between the two young doctors. But after a few weeks, they became friends, and two months after the whole incident, Dr Noob told Dr M, "You know, we've become friends now. Let bygones be bygones. Here, have a Cadbury Egg. As a token of peace." Dr M was suspicious, but Dr Noob said he'd take one too. So they both ate one.

Then Dr Noob stood back, grinned insanely, and said, "And now, Doctor, I'd like YOU to check the medication I've just administered."

Dr M's eyes widened. "Oh no you didn't."

Dr Noob stared at him for a moment, then smiled. "Heh. Nah, I didn't."

Dr M sighed with relief. "For a moment there, Noob, I tho--"

"I injected castor oil instead." (Castor oil is a laxative. It makes you shoot more shit out of your ass than Mitt Romney shoots out of his mouth. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here. --Ed.)

Dr M froze.

Dr Noob slapped him on the back and said, "If I were you, I'd stay close to the toilet today, old chap. Pity that scrub pants don't come in brown colour." And off he went.

And you thought doctors only stayed crazy whilst they were still in university...

*yes, I was young once. DON'T MAKE A HAIR JOKE. If you make a hair joke I will track you down, break into your house and stuff a wig made from Britney Spears' shaven hairs into an orifice of my choice. Then I'll plead 'temporary insanity' to the judge. This blog is all the proof I need that I'm batshit insane anyway.

**hospital name changed to protect privacy. Hospitals have feelings too, you know.